Setting Boundaries: A Gentle Approach to Unwanted Affection

A recent letter to advice columnist Annie Lane highlighted a sensitive issue regarding personal boundaries and unwanted affection. A correspondent, known as “Non-Hugger,” described her discomfort with an older gentleman who persistently greets her with hugs and kisses despite her clear signals that she prefers not to engage in such displays of affection.

In her correspondence, Non-Hugger explained that the gentleman, who is over 100 years old, is surprisingly active for his age. They have shared enjoyable outings, including lunches and community events, which she values. However, the recurring issue of his affectionate greetings has caused her significant discomfort. She expressed concern about how to address the situation without embarrassing him or jeopardizing their friendship.

Annie Lane responded with a compassionate yet firm approach. She emphasized the importance of personal boundaries, noting that affection should always be mutual and welcomed. Lane encouraged Non-Hugger to communicate her feelings directly by stating, “I enjoy your company, but no kisses, please.” This straightforward message is intended to protect her comfort without diminishing the warmth of their friendship.

Humor can be an effective tool in such conversations, Lane suggested, advising Non-Hugger to respond lightly if the gentleman jokes about her becoming a hugger. A simple, “That will not be happening,” can convey her stance while maintaining a friendly tone.

The advice serves as a reminder that personal comfort and boundaries are paramount in any relationship. While the gentleman may not intend to cause discomfort, acknowledging and respecting one another’s limits is essential for genuine friendship. Lane concluded by reinforcing that asserting one’s boundaries is a matter of self-respect, which should be understood and honored by friends, regardless of their intentions.

Non-Hugger’s experience resonates with many who face similar dilemmas in their personal lives, making Lane’s guidance both relevant and practical. For those seeking advice on similar matters, Lane invites questions via email at [email protected].