A stepmother is grappling with a difficult decision regarding her 22-year-old stepson, who is autistic, and whether he should join the family for Thanksgiving dinner. Her concerns stem from his history of volatile behavior, which has included physical aggression and stalking. Despite her previous efforts to support him, the stepmother feels that the risks to her family outweigh her compassion at this time.
The stepson lived with his father and stepmother for half of his life, during which the stepmother took an active role in his upbringing. She participated in his education and attended to his various needs. Over the years, however, his behavior has escalated, leading to significant incidents, including threats directed at her and aggressive acts towards her husband. Three years ago, the situation reached a breaking point, prompting the stepmother to request that her husband find alternative living arrangements for his son.
Despite the separation, her husband continues to hope for reconciliation and believes his son has made some progress. The stepson has undergone therapy intermittently, but family therapy has been challenging; he has excluded his stepmother from participating, stating that she is “not his mom.” This exclusion has led to minimal contact between them for the past couple of years.
As Thanksgiving approaches, the husband has proposed that his son join the family gathering, which includes young children and grandchildren. The stepmother, however, has made it clear that she and her children will not attend if the stepson is present. She explained to her husband that her fear for their safety outweighs any desire for familial unity.
In her response to the stepmother, advice columnist Annie Lane emphasized the importance of establishing boundaries. Lane reassured her that her feelings are valid and rooted in a genuine concern for her family’s safety. She suggested that the stepmother communicate her position to her husband compassionately, stating, “I support you having a relationship with your son. I just cannot be part of holidays or close contact with him until there has been real, sustained change — and good therapy — over time.”
This situation highlights the complexities of family dynamics, particularly in cases involving mental health challenges. Establishing boundaries can be crucial for those who have experienced trauma or violence. The stepmother’s struggle to balance her husband’s desires with her own need for safety underscores the emotional toll that such family conflicts can take.
As families navigate similar challenges, it becomes evident that ensuring the well-being of all members must take precedence, even when difficult choices must be made.
